Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Special Agent SSG

So SSG kind of has a thing for the Secret Service ... and the CIA ... and the FBI.   


It all started when I was a wee little girl and my uncle was dating a woman whose brother was a Secret Service Agent for Reagan.  I know this because while we were all on vacation together in Yosemite (my uncle and his girlfriend, not President Reagan and the Secret Service), the aforementioned girlfriend, after telling us the story, pointed to the front page of the Fresno Bee and said "See!  There he is!"  And sure enough, kind of blurry and off to Reagan's left shoulder you could see a white, brown haired guy in a suit standing guard.

"WOW!" SSG's little brain thought.  "The President is SO special, he has a SERVICE to write down his SECRETS."  

SSG thought of her diary at home, with its small gold lock and heart shaped key, and wondered if her uncle's girlfriend's brother (got that?) had something similar.  But his probably had the Super Friends on it.  Because he was A BOY.  DUH!

SSG had NO IDEA what the Secret Service ACTUALLY did (aside from being the scribe to the President's diary).  Nor did she know that her uncle's girlfriend was kind of ... oh I don't know ... CRAZY AS SHIT.

The stalker kind of crazy.  Which we didn't find out until a few weeks later when she called my mom asking where my uncle was.  My uncle, who had gone to backpack through Europe, was somewhere in the English countryside and my mom assumed his girlfriend (wrong assumption #1) meant she needed his address to send him some stuff.  And not that she actually didn't KNOW WHERE HE WAS (and wrong assumption #2).  So my mom gave her his address. But um.  There was a REASON the girlfriend didn't know where my uncle was ... he had broken up with her before his trip. 

You can imagine HIS surprise when Crazy flew across the country AND the ATLANTIC OCEAN only to show up on the doorstep of his B&B in England.  

Oopsie.

So anyhoo, Crazy's Secret Service brother MIGHT have been a figment of her imagination ... just like her relationship with my uncle.

But SSG was HOOKED.  And it escalated when Dan Quayle came to speak at SSG's high school.  On the Good to Bad Vice Presidential scale?  I'm going to say the Vice President, visiting a high school in San Diego, while still in office?  Is probably WELL below the Mendoza Line.  

Secret Service covered our campus for a few days prior to Vice President Quayle's arrival.  And we all thought it would be, like, TOTALLY AWESOME if we sung "Secret Agent Man" when they came into the classrooms.

Um, Secret Service, like, totally did NOT find it AWESOME when they walked into the classroom and heard my classmates (SSG was INNOCENT!) singing "Secret Agent Man."  They. Didn't. Crack. A. Smile.  And I'm pretty sure if any bullets started flying around a couple of days later, that moment in the classroom would have been the deciding factor on whether or not they should just go ahead and just let Quayle take his.

Last night, after 24 (Ohmahgah!!!  SOOO good.), the local news came on.  I'm guessing you can imagine how SSG's ears perked up at the notice that the FBI was HIRING.  Like MAJOR hiring.  Broadcasting it on the news seems a little ODD to SSG.  Don't they have think tanks where they monitor your test scores and give you experiments as a child and if you can solve them then your some kind of GENIUS that can automatically speak 27 languages and you get tapped as you're walking across your college campus on the way to Religious Studies?  

Okay wait, that might have been an episode of Alias, 

But STILL.  Broadcasting it on the NEWS?  Can you imagine the crazies they're going to get applying?

Whatever!  

You can apply!  Online!  To be a Special Agent in the FBI!!

In a word?  AWESOME!

This is all that's required:
  • Be a U.S. Citizen (Check.)
  • Be at least 23 but younger than 37 (Check. Check.)
  • Possess a 4 year college degree (Check.  Then DOUBLE check that they don't rule out English Majors.  We have MAD ANALYTICAL SKILLZ peeps.  And we can spell good. 4 realz.)
  • Three years professional work experience (Cheeeeeeeeck times, like, infinity.)
  • Valid drivers license (Ohmahgah.  Check!  I'm so ROCKING this interview!  Wait, do you have to know how to drive in the snow?)
  • Available for assignment anywhere in the FBI's jurisdiction?  (Um, check ... ish.  Can I have a sunny climate please?  With no humidity?  And on the coast?  In the U.S?  That's your jurisdiction, right?  But maybe on just like the west coast?  So I can still see my friends and family?  Okay, then CHECK.)
SSG was PRETTY SURE she had this one locked DOWN.  And just when she thought it couldn't get any better?

She scrolled down and saw that there was a physical required.  And then her eyes bugged out when she found out that physicals are given at the local FBI offices.  Which to SSG means only one thing:  Clean. Cut. Guys. In. Suits. Carrying. Guns.

WHY IS THIS NOT IN MY COMPANY'S INSURANCE BROCHURE?

SSG was SO IN on this secret agent stuff!  Going to her local FBI office for a physical?!  Hell YES.  So she clicked on the link and wondered what she should wear.  Special Agent suit?  Or go all Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs and wear athletic pants with a gray sweatshirt? 

But that's when she saw it.

You don't go to your local FBI office for a PHYSICAL.  You go for a Physical TEST.  And have Clean. Cut. Guys. In. Suits. Carrying. Guns. watch as you do the following:
  • As many sit ups as you can in a minute.
  • Timed 300 meter sprint.
  • Push ups (unlimited time).
  • Timed 1.5 mile run.  
Well, SSG wasn't expecting THAT.  But whatevs ... 
  • Sit Ups in a minute?  Probably like, 4 ... ish.  Okay, maybe 3.  You're right, more like 2.  Okay, okay, okay FOR SURE 1.  Let's say a half of a sit up and then maybe I'll surprise you.
  • 300 Meter Sprint? Is 10 minutes enough to cover 300 meters?  SSG's not very good at the metric system.
  • Unlimited time for push ups?  PLEASE.  SSG just needs like 20 SECONDS to get through one.  That's right FBI.  She is THAT quick.
  • Timed 1.5 mile run? Dude, EASY.  SSG has NO problem timing Clean. Cut. Guys. In. Suits. Carrying. Guns. while they run 1.5 miles.  In fact?  She could do that ALL DAY.  SSG is the consummate team player.
So SSG really just has one question for you guys ...

Do you provide the sunglasses?

(On a scale of 1 - 10, how much trouble do you think SSG can get in for this post?  The FBI has WAY better things to do than read blogs, right?  Secret Service and CIA too, right?  Right?  Guys?  Where did everybody go?)

12 comments:

Rhiannon said...

I was totally with you. Until you mentioned the physical fitness.

BOO YOU PHYSICAL FITNESS!!

The Incredible Woody said...

I have a friend from childhood that is a US Marshall. I think he is totally cool!

Lys said...

Ahhhh - the PT test. Fun times. When I hit 30, I wanted to work for the bureau however life just got in the way. Plus, I am too old to hit the FBI mark although I can work in their legal department. Alas, the Orlando office is not hiring - plus, the FBI guys here probably wear mouse ears with their sunglasses.

(They are, however, hiring in Philly - trust me when I say I have the app. bookmarked.)

I'm tellin' ya - FBI Agents, DEA Agents, SSA agents, etc. - nice eye candy!

Predo said...

1) Oh, come on, the physical exam is a cake walk.

2) I can take you to the range to shoot the Glock and get oriented.

3) We can watch Silence of the Lambs over and over again and eat popcorn and lemon drops.

4) When it comes to sit ups and push ups, just think that after each one you can have a BIG O? (good motivator!)

5) Once you become FBI, you can do background investigations for people! Nice!!!!

6) What kind of Bra ya gonna wear?

7) Wanna practice your strip search?

8) I have handcuffs, wanna practice arresting me?

9) Practice yelling "Freeze, Sex Kitten"!

You will be FBI in no time!!!!!!!!

AbEaChB0y said...

Why not just run for president? Here are a list of reason's why this sounds like the best option for you....

1. You don't have to worry about the physical fitness part and if you do decide to take a jog you are surrounded by a bunch of them jogging with you.

2. At anytime you can yell out, "Hey, that guy has a gun!" and like 3 of them will jump on top of you.

3. Even after your term as president is over you still get the protection of the secret service for life.

4. Hey you will continue to get older, but the guys protecting you will stay the same age.

Ok so it's a short list but at least these things might seem like a good thing to you...haha

Living on the Spit said...

That would be totally cool, so what are the chances that you might actually peruse this venue?

What a great post...you always crack me up.

Marlene

Molly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Molly said...

Ok, this gives me an idea for a post: last year a few of us participated in the Police Foundation's fundraiswer which was for us to go to recruit school and compete with other wannabe's. There was the obstacle course, the driving simulator, the real life firing simulator, some other stuff AND THE FIRING RANGE. Those guys were hot. Anyway, my team won the whole thing. It was a blast.

belladella said...

I think my brother has the best idea. I am not going to try and top that one.

Hope you are having a good day!

Cool Breeze said...

Careful SSG, Big Brother is watching ... or listening ... or reading ... or whatever he does.

BTW, nice interview Beachboy. That didn't take long.

Jennifer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
big hair envy said...

I see SSG moving to Virginia to pursue her career as an FBI agent....and, perhaps, a certain Richmond-based singer:)

Quantico is only about an hour and a half away:)