Thursday, November 6, 2008

Life on the Cube Farm

Most of the time I don't mind working in a cubicle.  The walls are about six feet tall and since we're usually(ish) being serious and working, the privacy is welcome.  Although, lately my cube HAS been peppered with very scary pictures of Henry Paulson due to my two week rant about how much I distrust him (lesson to self:  do not ever admit disliking someone because your coworkers will have a FIELD DAY.  And note to major news magazines, PLEASE stop putting this guy on your covers.)  But!  There are days where the fact that it is SO QUIET can be SO annoying.  Any squeak of the chair or innocent phone conversation gets turned into major fodder.

And so it was when the IT department paid us a visit.

SSG is NOT technically savvy.  In fact she walked into a Mac store once and said "I want a computer that works.  I don't care how it works, I just want one that works.  I want to plug it in the wall and have it WORK.  Okay?  Here is my credit card, make it happen."  So SSG does not mix well with people who work with computers for a living.  Hence the reason a couple of dates with an Intel engineer did NOT turn into anymore dates with an Intel engineer ... because processors and manufacturing and world domination blah, blah, blah (SSG's head explodes). 

Where was I again?

Oh YEAH.  So our office was crawling with guys from IT who had to go around and update some blah, blah, blah, server, blah, blah, blah, hard drive, blah, blah, blah more stuff I'm not interested in.  So I figured it'd take them a while and decided to go get some coffee.  Only I went to a coffee place that is a five minute walk away, that usually has a line and that also has fun magazines to peruse.  So when I came back after about a half hour and walked in the door, five IT guys yelled "HERE SHE IS!"  

I saw all the jerks that I work with pop up over the cube walls.  WHY DO THEY HAVE TO ALL BE SO TALL?  

Apparently I had locked my computer and saving blah, blah, blah couldn't get into it blah, blah, blah.  Long story short, I had sent the IT guys into a TIZZY.  And I sent my co-workers into a quiet, lip biting to keep themselves from laughing FRENZY.  Because really?  Stressed out IT guys--pretty fucking funny.

So I went to unlock my computer for those guys who obviously are NO GOOD if they can't unlock it themselves, right?  Isn't that their job or something?  Aren't they supposed to be legal hackers or whatever?   Anyyyywhoooo in order to make sure I didn't run away again, ALL of the IT guys came into my cube.  I had a wall of geek around me so thick that it would have been fun (I'm into geeks--hello?  Engineer from Intel!) if the rest of the office hadn't been SO quiet.   

All ears (and geek eyes) were on me.

"So did you guys need me to McGyver my way into the hard drive with a paper clip and a staple or do you have it from here?"  I asked the squad.

"No, we did everything, we're just waiting." Their leader answered, which caused the other four to nod their heads.

"Sweet, you don't need me anymore then, right?"  I looked for an excuse to get away.

"This will only take a second."  More nodding.

Ten geek squad eyes fixed on me sitting in my chair and ohhhhh so many more ears listening.


"I wish I had a story or somethin' for you fellas, but I got nothin."

"Is that Henry Paulson?" 


Five guys nod.  

I join them.

A hundred years later, my computer does something that makes them all happy and one by one they single file out the door.

I waited for it.  

But only heard silence.  Maybe I had underestimated my coworkers after all.

And then quietly, it began.

"We've heard of your kind."  One sticks his head over the cube wall, emulating the IT guys voice, but slightly more creepy ... and robotic.

"You look different than us."  Another voice pipes up into the mix.

"And smell nice." 

"We shall take you to our leader at once."


Molly said...

So funny - so, tell me, do you ever get them back?

Unknown said...

I have to come work where you are...please, it's killing me...this was SO friggin funny...I may have to book mark this post and when I am down or something, just refer to so I can cheer up.

I bow down to the Serendiptious Queen!!! All Hail SSG!


Bella Della said...

This is so funny. We used to have a IT guy that came in from time to time that would get so flustered talking to me that he would turn ten shades of red. Of course this meant that I would torment him but making him have conversations with me. I am evil like that.

Predo said...

Oh my GAWD! The power of the bootay strikes again! SSG in da hausa!!!!

One Saturday, maybe you can take me there and we can take the bolts out of their chairs, or superglue pencils to the desk, or put mini cams in so you can belt out "Stop biting your nails - I am the all knowing!" or "Stop with the Jazz Hands already and get back to work!"

Big Hair Envy said...

OMG!!! That is hilarious!!! Did any of them ask to "phone home"???

When I used to take a different route to work, I used to see a "Geek Squad" VW Bug every morning. It never got old, and I always laughed!!! I just envisioned your five IT guys piling into the "Geek Squad" car and getting out of there as quickly as possible! Bwahahaha! said...

Well, at least going to work with all these jokers sounds mildly amusing!
I think the next best thing would be having a nest, (pod?) of IT guys there close by that the office could play mild, practical jokes on.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For introducing me to Wade. I think I'm in LOVE!!!!! Bella and I are going to have to plan that trip to Portland - ASAP:) That is, if you can stand an ultra- conservative country girl for a weekend.

You are one lucky girl! Although, I'll leave the back hair corn-rowing to YOU!!! Heehee!!!