Saturday, July 26, 2008

Why Cinderella Wore Glass Slippers & Drove Around in a Carriage

In the words of The Hotfessional, "oh mah holy hell ya'll."  SSG had a slight melt down yesterday.  And by slight she means, a 10 car pile up.  


A wha?

A. TEN.  CAR.  PILE.  UP.

You know when you're cruising right along, not a care in the world and then something causes a slow down?  A little hiccup.  Like let's say for example you don't know WHAT FUCKING SHOES are not going to KILL your feet for Paris.  Let's start with that.  So then while you're mulling over whether your friends will mind pushing you around France in a wheelchair, you realize that you don't remember where you put the software program for your digital camera that needs to be uploaded to your computer.  And slam.  One issue bangs right into the other.

And then when you open your office closet, instead of finding the disc to install the software for your digital camera, you find your holiday decorations.  And by "find" I mean they catapult out of your closet and land with five times their original weight.  Right. On. Top. Of. Your. HEAD.  Because your office closet is so crammed with shit that you don't know what to do with it all.  And then you get PISSED.  Because you could totally find that disc AND clean out that closet if you didn't have to go to work.  SLAM.

And WORK.  Which you're already late to and why did you have to take a job that requires taking public transportation and fuck it, you're just going to drive in already.  Only it's Friday which you know means it's going to be hell getting home because of downtown traffic on Fridays and why didn't you just marry that DOCTOR in San Diego when you had the chance.  Who cares that he was 20 ... 30 years older than you.  You could have SOLD OUT and had a Neiman Marcus credit card and charged some SHOES TO WEAR TO PARIS THAT DIDN'T CAUSE SCAR TISSUE TO FORM ON YOUR HEELS.  And bonus!  You wouldn't have to WORK.  SLAM!

Forget ethics and morality and marrying for love.  You could be living in a fat mansion in La Jolla with a view of the Pacific right now if you didn't have that pesky little thing called a CONSCIENCE.  And don't even get me started on LOVE.

Because you TOTALLY could have fallen in love with that waiter at Red Star you walked past on your way to lunch with the squad today.  And when you tried to get them to turn around because "Tall!  Gorgeous!  Tattooed forearms!"  They were all "we've been there already, let's try this new place."  And by "new place."  They meant OLD PLACE because we FOUND where all the senior citizens eat when they come to visit Portland from their retirement homes in Arizona.  And then you get reminded of your mortality and that you're going to DIE someday and that you'll have done it without ever having married the hot tattooed waiter at Red Star.  Not that he'd ever want to marry you because OMG, the neurosis!  The NEUROSIS.

Let's not even go down the road of neurosis because ... oh wait.  We're here already aren't we? 

And because you realize you probably shouldn't air your dirty laundry about work we're going to pretend this next paragraph happened in a Disney movie.

So the NEUROSIS isn't helped when at 5:30 p.m. on a FRIDAY NIGHT the ASS Wicked Witch that you HAAAAATE calls and wonders why you haven't started cleaning his, er HER castle yet.  Never mind the fact that he um, SHE had THREE other castles this week that you finished cleaning ... and oh yeah, those TEN other wicked witches that needed their castles cleaned too.  Also never mind the fact that you DID start cleaning his, er HER castle.  A MONTH AGO.  But had to stop when you realized you didn't have enough ... cleaning supplies to finish it.  And never mind the fact that the Wicked Witch has called you every week to see how it's going and every week you have the SAME CONVERSATION telling him, er HER that YOU NEED MORE CLEANING SUPPLIES ALREADY or else the castle WILL NOT GET CLEANED and that he, er SHE has promised to get those new cleaning supplies to you, but could you e-mail him, er HER the list of things you need again?  And then you have to TRY not to bang the headset of your phone over and over again on your desk when he, er SHE says "we've GOT to find a way to clean the castle when we don't have any cleaning supplies."  

YES.  You say.  I will call on my bird, mice and squirrel friends to make that happen for you.  Right after my Fairy Godmother gets me ready for the ball and I meet and marry Prince Tattooed Forearms.

6 comments:

belladella said...

You are so damn funny. I am addicted to your blog. You possess probably my most favorite characteristic in a person- sarcasm. It's actually the way we show love in my family. I would not know how to function without it. Thanks for stopping by to visit over at my little 'ol blog. That was a nice surprise this morning. Hope you have a fabulous weekend!

Kim

Anonymous said...

Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of sane life, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER.

SSG, shall I put the lemon drop in the usual glass or would you like it to go in an IV? Lets plot our take over of the world and then watch Ab Fab and drink a shot every time we see a booze bottle....

Natika said...

Damn, girl! Did you take any deep breaths during that post?
Suck it up and move on.
La Jolla is spent!
Now Paris....PARIS! How long till you go? Not long at all!
So shut up and quit using the F word!
I have to go have a glass of wine and never you mind it's only 9ish in the morning. It's a mimosa.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Are we stressed, dear? Is there anything I can do to help? Cause I am totally there for you.
OK, starting at the most important probs and working our way down:
What size shoe are you?
XOXO

Anonymous said...

Ok...I'm SO confused... when did you start cleaning houses ;o)

Just one month longer and it will all be better! BTW...wheelchair for you? I'm the one turning 80 next month.
My word verification for this post is "le jug" What exactly does that translate to in French?
xo
Mrs. Bob

Big Hair Envy said...

Oh, Honey! FOCUS on PARIS! and hot firemen, and lemon drops, and the beach, and fabulous shoes......................

There. All better?