Wednesday, July 2, 2008

When the Cat's Away, the Mice Will Play ... On the Catwalk

  • Setting:  Work, day #1 of boss' vacation.
  • The Plan:  A group of financial analysts (all men) decide to test their modeling skills by balancing accounting books on their heads and walking down a row of cubicles.  
  • The Judges:  SSG and the only other girl in the office at the time.  
  • SSG's Hesitation:  She wasn't given enough notice to make numerical signs to rate them.
  • SSG's co-workers reaction:  "Too fucking bad, move it."
  • Music Selection (sung by the contestants and judges):  I'm Too Sexy & Rupaul's Supermodel (You Better Work) 
  • The Contestant's Aim:  Poise and balance.
  • The Result:  "I'm constipated" or "Stroke Victim."
  • The Outcome:  Closeted coworker took it for the guys (shocker).  

Next up:  the judges.

  • SSG & Girl #2 were in a tight race.  They walked the cube rows with confidence and surprising balance given the fact that they huddle over corporate balance sheets all day.  They showed no signs of stopping and quite possibly could have wasted another half hour filing their nails and mixing martinis while yawning and cruising around the office with books on their heads.

And at that fateful moment, SSG decided it was go time.

At the end of the runway, SSG decided to kick it up a notch and do a twirl, with a dash of jazz hands in an effort to throw off her opponent and win the judges' hearts.  And that's when, in slow motion, it happened.

The book started to slide.  SSG's face started to warp into bulging eyes that locked with her coworkers/judges who were mouthing "nooooooo!"  But it was too late.  The kick ball change that she attempted to right the book, instead catapulted Principals of Financial Accounting right into a cube wall, the same cube wall with a taco grease stain from the Christmas garland made for a vacationing coworker out of old taco shells bearing the message "Feliz Navidad."

It was over.

Girl #2 was awarded the title.  And as she and Closeted Coworker stood, taking their bows to rounds of applause, one of the judges leaned over to SSG and said "it could have been yours, but the flare cost you."

Please, let that be a lesson to you all.

Your Defeated SSG


Big Hair Envy said...

Financial analysts are allowed to have fun? Who knew?

Lys said...

Tell me about it - heck, our office we never have fun like that. Wait - in my 9to5 field we aren't allowed to have fun *LOL* said...

I am crushed. I had such high hopes for you....
Well, just try not to get too "high above your station" again... LOL!

Anonymous said...

THE FLARE COST YOU? THE FLARE COST YOU? WHO THE FRICK ARE THESE PEOPLE? Flare and Spirit fingers upped your difficulty level, as well as the ball change. Where you in heels? Thats another 5 points. You should have had points deducted from a 20 point start, while girl #2 should have started from a 5 for lack of difficulty. The judges were obviously BIAS! I demand a replay......

By the way, last posting...Phil or Bill? Who gives a shit, he is hung and rich! (Don't ask how I know he is hung)

Oh, Girl #2, what is her cup size? You have FABULOUS BODACIOUS TA-TAS and if hers are smaller you should also get points for wind resistance. I demand a replay.

Next girls night between "dirty stories" and "Surprise dirty presents" we simply must prepare a runway show for practice, in order for you to kick the living crap out of those "wannabees" with two snaps, an around the world, and a "NASTY" BADASS MRS JACKSON HEAD SWEEP! My ass is putting you into intensive training, HARD CORE! Count em off for me sister, one and two and one and.....