Thursday, July 24, 2008

Letters From SSG

Dear Lady in the Black Mercedes,

I realize you spent A LOT of money on your car.  I also understand you want to protect your investment.  But when you drive?  Please at least go the speed limit.  Because when you drive TEN MILES PER HOUR under it?  It makes me want to rear end you to help move things along.

Lots of Love,

Dear Country Music,

When did you become the catchall for B list musicians?  Bobby Brown?  Jessica Simpson?  JEWEL?  Actually, that one I can kind of understand.  Yodeling is like the gateway drug to country music.  But Julianne Hough from Dancing with the Stars?  

I mean yes, I want her body but I don't want to hear her SING.  SHE even sings about having someone else's song in her head all day.  Obviously she doesn't want to hear her song played on the radio either.   

And when someone asks the question:  "If I put the word 'whiskey' in my song, can I call it country?"  The proper response is "No."  Instead, you said, "Why YES Darius- Rucker,-formerly-Hootie-of-Hootie-and-the-Blowfish.  We'd be INTO that, man."  SSG is cutting you off before Johnny Cash rises from the dead and comes to your doorstep with Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick your ass.


Dear Co-worker of SSG,

I would like to apologize for saying the following to you yesterday: 
  • Calling you shallow in front of all the guys.
  •  Saying I thought your shallowness was all an act.  To which you responded (for the record) that it wasn't.  
  • Saying you were just a big soft teddy bear underneath all of the jackass.
  • Asking if you felt like my "Hollaback Girl" since I usually get coffee with someone else, but he was gone today.  
  • Asking if I hurt your feeling.  

Even though you said your ONE feeling was in tact, I'd still like to take this moment to apologize to it.


Edited to add:

Dear Blogger,

Let's not be so dramatic.  Just because I typed in a lower case "a" instead of an "A" in "AM" to time delay my post does not mean we need to call it "illegal."  It's just that kind of legislation that bogs down the system for the real criminals--like those crazies who remove their mattress tags.  BUT.  If you're sending someone to arrest me, please tell them my house is on fire.  I'd like to say I was handcuffed with a fireman in my home at least once in my life.



Candy said...

I knew about Jewel's descent to the dark side of music, but Darius Rucker? Say it isn't so. said...

Oh my. Really? You got one of THOSE comments? I am impressed. I keep thinking someone like that is going to show up at my site, but, alas I am not as wild and crazy as you with my "A"'s...or would it be "a"'s?
hee hee hee!

Lys said...

Oh you are definitely hitting the snark side of life, SSG :)

Don't even get me started on country music. I keep saying that's the one field of music PR I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole and somehow some people keep trying to get me to change my mind. Apparently that's where the money's at. But when I hear a song that says "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" - I figure my stilettos would not be too welcome.

Anonymous said...

Ah, you typed "handcuffed"! Dirty Gyrl! I think I am going to dress in my favorite camo and go hunting firemen for you! I can deliver him with the cuffs on or simply hand them over to you with his leash! Ah, to dream.......