Monday, April 21, 2008

Security Alert - Code Level "Pumpkin Pie"

On any given day I access 10,011 computer systems that each require their own password.  Security is VERY important in finance and I take good care of the pieces of paper in my charge.  I tuck tax returns and balance sheets safely into bed each night before I go home.  I make sure to lock brokerage statements up tight with promises that I'll return to analyze them tomorrow before turning out the lights and locking the door behind me.  I have absolutely no idea who I'm protecting them from.  But I protect them.   And then last week, my world came crashing down.  

It turns out I have been looking after the wrong pieces of paper.  It was not rich peoples' financial information that these thieves were after.  Rather the rich people were the thieves--and they would stop at nothing to obtain ... wait for it ... RECIPES.  And not even recipes that were "Secret Family Recipes" but recipes that were so public they were stolen right out from under everyones' noses.   I have 10,011 different passwords, but my Food Network recipe box?  Wide open peeps.

Cindy McCain was on The View this morning.  When asked about "Recipegate" (how much do you love itgate?) she pulled out her ninjagate politician moves:

1)  Blame the Intern- It's ALWAYS the intern's fault.  Always.  This pesky little Iraq war?  Has intern written all over it.

2)  Joke About It - The intern is now at "Betty Crocker Boot Camp."  Wait a second ... I didn't know Betty Croker lived in Cuba ...

3) Deflect Attention - Cindy is writing a BOOK!  About the trials and tribulations of being the wife of a man running for office.  It must be difficult shamelessly ripping off other people's ideas without giving them credit.  I have NO idea what that's like.  What do you mean you saw yesterday's post?  Have I told you about this BOOK I'm writing?

SSG is onto you richies, and will not be made a fool of.  I have the following color coded system in place to warn us, the dwindling middle class, how close the smooth forehead-ed, plump lipped, bleached blond, french manicured hands are to plucking the "Pork Roast with Fig Reduction" recipe right out of our hot little kitchens.

Code Asparagus - Threat is low.  Nothing that a little "Asparagus Soldier" can't handle.  Jamie Oliver will wrap an asparagus with bacon and bake it in the oven, warding off the wealthy with a quick "take tha!"

Code Blueberry Scones - Ina Garten will run DOWN those ladies with her OWN Mercedes on her way to the Hampton market for fresh blueberries.  Jeffrey will be at home hiding until Ina lets him know it's safe to come out and eat warm Blueberry Scones fresh from the oven.  

Code Lemon & Thyme Granita - Giada de Laurentis will let us know when the threat starts heating up by confusing the wicked women with her pronunciation of Italian words like "spaghetti" or "rigatoni."  She'll say them so Italian-y that the rich ladies will wonder if they've woken up from a hangover only to find themselves in Capri.

Code Pumpkin Pie - If you hear Paula Dean say "start with two sticks of butter," those bitches have their dirty little fingers all up in your recipes ya'll.

Code Cherry Cobbler -  Forget it, they're gone.  Sandra Lee went and mixed the canned cherry juice from the cherry pie filling with half the contents of her liquor cabinet and didn't see a THING.

And like I always say, if you can't beat 'em join 'em!  Sandy baby, can you pass the Grey Goose?

Always looking out for your safety,