Thursday, April 17, 2008

CEO of Lunchtime Inc.

So today we all ROTTED on a conference call.  An announcement by our succinct (and AWESOME) CEO that could have taken 5 minutes ended up taking over an hour.  Why?  Because also on the call were about 27 layers of management across what felt like 1,000 different business lines.  And people as you well know, management has a lot to say.  

Managers COULD NOT get things done without all of those who have been helping them.  Managers have A LOT of people to introduce and thank for their efforts.  And then THOSE managers, happy to have had a little  senior management fondle, and wanting to impress our CEO made sure to let their manager, and their manager's manager, and their manager's manager's manager know exactly how EXCITED they were to be part of the new groundbreaking strategic initiative.  

I would have gouged my eyes out if my pencil hadn't been so dull.

So, in the spirit of management, I decided to thank the squad for their efforts by sending out a little e-mail.

To:  The Squad
From:  SSG
RE:  Strategic Initiative

First off, I'd like to welcome you and let you know how excited I am to be here.  I'd like to start off by saying thank you to the following:

Ems:  Thank you for your efforts in trying bangs on for size today.  Change is important and it should absolutely start with your hair first.  Well done.

K:  I'd like to thank you for e-mailing the Friends & Family Ann Taylor discount coupons out to the appropriate parties this morning in record speed.

L:  I'd like to applaud your efforts in making the dividing line between cubicles not only clear, but concise and to the point.

J:  I'd like to thank you for your marketing strategy on L's new cubicle decor.  I don't need to tell you that branding is everything in our business.

It's important that we have leaders like you on this team.  Have I told you how excited I am to have you here?  Or how much your efforts are appreciated?

That said, I'd like to invite you all to lunch today.  It is B.Y.O.L. With all of the excitement, we mustn't forget that we are accountable to shareholders and it starts with us.  Furthermore, in the interest of our new "green" initiatives, we'll be leaving our private jet and cars at home and walking to our destination.

I look forward to seeing you all there.

CEO of Lunchtime Inc.

To:  SSG
From:  K
RE: RE:  Strategic Initiative

I would like to say that I too am excited to be a part of these initiatives.  We are making great headway.  Thank you SSG for taking the first steps in these endeavors.

To:  SSG
From:  L
RE:  RE:  Strategic Initiative

I am overjoyed to be given this opportunity to network with such a dynamic group of people.  Don't forget to bring your business cards with you!

To:  SSG
From:  J
RE: RE:  Strategic Initiative

As supportive as I am of this initiative, I will have to decline the lunch meeting today.  But really, thanks again for your leadership of this partnership as we march forward.

To:  Squad
From:  SSG
RE:  RE:  RE:  Strategic Initiative

At this lunch meeting, please be prepared to discuss "Strategic Initiative #2:  The Reorganization  & Downsizing of J's Position."


Anonymous said...

I would like to give my special thanks! As the janitor, I am personally very excited that you did not cut out your eyes, and that none of the a$$ kissing on that call left a mess in my rest rooms! Thank you and good luck with your lunchtime initiatives (which I think hold much more interest......) Down with schmoozing! Up with Lemon Drops!