Thursday, April 24, 2008

Anatomy of a Crush

(Quick confession that has ZERO to do with this post.  I have a very douche baggy outfit on today.  Bad Hair + Bad Outfit = Bad Mood of Epic Proportions.  I got to work at 7 a.m. and by 7:03, was wondering if I should pack it in and go home for the day because Bad Mood + It's Not Fucking Friday Yet? = SCRAPING to Get Through a Full 8 Hour Day.   I had to dig deep, peeps.  And I think I might have been a tad obvious when, at 2:30, the subject of happy hour came up and I literally had my shit shut down, my coat on and was walking out of my cube when everyone said "Oh, we were thinking of going at 4?"  Have I told you how much I haaaaate the people I work with, if for no other reason than their sheer work ethic?  The End.)

Onto crushes ...

I have ALWAYS been a firm believer in the crush.  I feel crushes are not only important but a necessity in furthering the species.  In the words of Emily Dickinson (who I'm sure was crushing seriously hard on the family gardener or something because please, why would she be looking out the window ALL the time and dressed in black which is like the most flattering color?), I too like to "dwell in possibility."  I love feeling butterflies in my tummy, I like looking forward to seeing someone each day and wondering what COULD be.  The possibilities are endless and you don't have any of the pesky side effects like tragic break ups or finding out the guy you're crushing on is completely and utterly LAME.  Because oh yeah, v.v. important side note:  Most of the time I don't even know or ever even talk to my crushes.  Are we all starting to see why I'm hopelessly single?  (Nod in unison) Mmmm hmmmm!

The first crush that I remember having was when I was three.  I loved my friend Gayle's brother, Grant.  There is even documented photographic evidence of that crush, we were walking through the Disneyland parking lot holding hands.  If I had any computer skills I could show you, but I don't and so I won't.  Grant is now a successful ... finance guy ... lawyer ... trader (?) ... something or other in New York City and I curse daily the fact that America poo poos the idea of arranged marriages.  Otherwise my mom and Grant's mom surely could have had that all worked out for us. 

If I had to list my crushes from then up until now, it would be War & Peace side large and you'd probably be asleep after page 2.  For the record, their are ZERO current crushes ... except for the guy's ass at work that I like.  Just his ass.  The guy attached to the ass vacillates too frequently on the below scale for me to have developed any real feelings of crushingness.  

For me, not having a crush is huge.  It MAY mean that I'm becoming an adult or mature or something equally icky.  But give me a few days and that will most likely change, I may just be coming down with something.  So when my next crush happens, you'll need the following.  A Serendipitous Girl Glossary, if you will ... because I know I will ... be crushing again very soon.

#1 Crush Worthy

Something has piqued my interest.  It could be a good haircut, an awesome pair of dude shoes or a guy thinking something that I say is funny (typically if that's the case you bypass step number 2 and go straight to number 3).  Someone who is  incredibly interested in something and has a way of explaining it well, can also be crush worthy.  Case in point, I once watched a guy talk about MATH on a PBS special.  He proved some theorem that took him YEARS.  I cried (NOT out of boredom) but because it was his life's work and he was so passionate about it.  Or I may have been PMSing ... the jury is still out.

Proper Usage:  The barrista that made a heart in my latte foam at Stumptown?  Crush worthy!

#2  Kinda Crushing

Someone has piqued my interest and I see him on a regular basis.  I could see him in the elevators at work, walking his dog in my neighborhood or he could star on my favorite tv show/movie/baseball team.  The point is, I see him frequently enough and he's crush worthy enough to make me say "oh!" any time I happen to spot him.  Well not out loud, because that would just make him think I was weird.  And remember, there is no talking to the crush.

Proper Usage:  "I'm kinda crushing on Xavier Nady right now."  (Extra points if you know who X Nady is. Subtract points if you are also crushing on him, though I wouldn't blame you one bit.)

#3 Crush

This is full blown crushing.  This is usually reserved for guys that I DO know, have just started dating or have at LEAST made out with.  This is the exception to the no crush talking rule.  They're funny, kind, smart, charming, have good hair and open my doors.  They usually know a lot about stuff I know NOTHING about.  Like computers.  And technology.  And how to change a tire.

Proper Usage:  It has been 8 months since my last crush.

#4  The Crush Formerly Known As

This is apres crushing.  When former crushes are discovered to be LAME.  Like they aren't funny, aren't kind and aren't smart or charming.  They may still have good hair, open my doors and like baseball.  But those don't trump funnykindsmartcharming.  Not even if they do know how to change a tire.

#5 Crush Hall of Fame

These guys are the pros.  Once you're in the crush hall of fame, you don't have your title stripped--no matter how many naked photos of you are posted on the internet.  Members of the Crush Hall of Fame include John Cusack and Jon Stewart.

Tomorrow?  We learn about Serendipitous Girl's phrase:  "I'd Hate Her if I Didn't Like Her So Much."  It's basically when I'm crushing on a girl.  Welcome back male readers!  I've missed you!