Wednesday, June 25, 2008

A Note to the Pot Smokers of Portland

Dear Pot Smokers of Portland,

Um hi.  I know there are a lot of you in town, but I worry you might be feeling neglected.  I'm sure all of the Fox News updates on the meth addicts and child molesters make you wonder if anyone even knows you're here anymore.  What with all of the "BREAKING NEWS!" stories that show blonde 23 year olds fresh out of college aerating lawns with their heels as they push their mikes into another guy's face who swears he "just met her on the internet" and "what, she said she was 18!"  So what if she had braces and a Jonas Brothers t-shirt on, at least he "didn't give her any meth." 

Anywho.  I have a feeling these reports are making you feel alone.  Like you're not being seen.  Like a trouble making older brother, the focus is always on the meth heads.  And you, the sweet, good kid who just wants to relax at the end ... beginning ... and middle of every day ... and night, might be wondering when people will start paying attention to you.  

I want to assure you, my dear pot smokers of Portland, that I see you.  There is no reason to start making rash decisions and acting out just to get people to notice you.
There is no need to smoke pot out on a corner of downtown Portland right in the middle of the lunch rush.  If I can SEE (and smell) you, chances are the policemen riding the sidewalks on their Segways can too.

There is also no need to ban together with your four chef buddies and smoke out right outside of one of Portland's fine dining establishments.  I KNOW WHERE YOU WORK and prefer my filet being grass fed, not served with grass.

Furthermore, there is no need to stop helping customers in order to laugh hysterically at your coworker who is PUSHING A BROOM.  As that is HIS job.  Let's get back to YOUR job, m'kay? Helping us, your customers?  Remember us?  The people who pay for your pot?

So rest assured pot smokers, we know you're out there.  No need to be loud and proud.  Don't get me wrong, be proud of who you are.  But be proud at home.  Indoors.  Preferably in the evenings where I won't get a contact high on my way to get a latte.

Thank you,

P.S.  Yes, a cloud of smoke billowing out of your car is just as conspicuous.


Lys said...

Hi[gh]larious! Yeah - weed and lattes are non-mixy things in my book.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that is a bummer when the pot smokers mess with your dining experience. Those cads!