Wednesday, June 18, 2008

How to Network

1)  Forget that you have a breakfast meeting.

2)  Wake up late.
3)  Twist your hair into something resembling a knot.
4)  Shove on headband.
5)  Wear casual outfit that makes you look like you're 18 and starting a college internship.
6)  Remember you have a meeting and sprint (read:  walk faster than normal) to the location.
7)  Realize it's farther away than you thought.
8)  Stop in front of a beautiful 100 year old brick building.
9)  Pray to God they've updated the AC.
10)  Greet volunteer coordinators.
11)  Put on name tag that has your full name, not the nickname you go by.
12)  Feel like you're in trouble.
13)  Start to feel warm.
14)  Put down your purse and realize you're feeling warmer. 
15)  Realize the founder of the volunteer organization has flown in for the event.
16)  Think about going over and introducing yourself.
17)  Realize you're not just feeling warmer, you're HOT.  (And TOTALLY not in a good way.)
18)  Ask where the restrooms are.
19)  Start to speed walk to the ladies room.
20)  Smile at everyone, hoping they don't realize you're kind of sweating (Future Husband if you're reading again?  Hi!  This part?  TOTALLY fiction.)  
21)  Pretend like you're dry.  Chant softly "I am the Sahara!"
22)  But then remember the Sahara is hot! 
23)  Walk faster.
24)  Say "shit" under your breath as the founder of v.v. important volunteer organization is approaching you rapidly.
25) Don't make eye contact.
26)  Mumble "fine!" when he asks "how are you?!"
27)  Run to the bathroom.
28)  Freak the fuck out.
29)  Wonder if it's worse that people think you might actually be using the facilities (Future husband?  More fiction!).
30)  Cool off enough to make your way back into the room.
31)  Shake hands.  
32)  Smile when you realize.  You.  Didn't.  Bring.  A.  Single.  Business.  Card. (!)
33)  Freak the fuck out again.
34)  But keep it inside.
35)  Notice the cutie from a software company across the room.
36)  Think you see him laugh at a joke you make when you have to speak in front of the group.
37)  Determine he has a phenomenal sense of humor.
38)  Determine that if he isn't gay, he's probably getting married.  Most likely this weekend.
39)  Congratulate him when you get introduced.
40)  Say "I mean, it's nice to meet you" when he looks at you confused.
41)  Freak the fuck out again.
42)  Don't realize that while you're calling yourself an idiot in your head, you get roped into a coordinating position.
43)  Remember later, as you have a raspberry mojito at lunch (shhhh) with your favorite downtown P-Town ladies, you might have used the phrase "bring it" to the v.v. important founder of the v.v. important volunteer organization.
44)  Determine, without a doubt, that people were asking "who was that chick" after you left.  
45)  (And TOTALLY not in a good way.)


Anonymous said...

Now that's the way to go through with a breakfast meeting! They will definitely remember you.

gilda said...

hahaha~!! this was kind of a cute and funny read. especially the sahara part. :)

Lys said...

Hot damn - and I thought I had a hellacious day?!?!?! I hate breakfast meetings but I'm sure you pulled it off fine! said...

Breakfast meetings should be outlawed. There should never, ever be a meeting before noon. Ever.
However, on the bright side, I think you left everyone with a memorable impression of you!
Now track down the cutie-pie at the meeting...