Sunday, June 15, 2008

How to Tame a Fire Alarm

1)  Hear odd chirping noise.

2)  Wonder if a bird is now residing in your coat closet.
3)  Assume you were just hearing things.
4)  Go back to reading.
5)  Hear odd chirping noise again.
6)  Question your mental status.
7)  Note the dog's ears perk up as she looks at the ceiling.
8)  Determine you can't be going insane if the dog has heard something too.
9)  Feel a moment of relief.
10)  Hear odd chirping noise again and realize it's the fire alarm.
11)  Think you can put up with it until you go to Target later in the afternoon.
12)  Realize you'll probably forget the batteries you need for the fire alarm the moment you set foot inside Target's door.
13)  Decide to write "batteries" down on your Target shopping list.
14)  Realize you don't have a Target shopping list.
15)  Wonder if that's why you always come home with 14 shopping bags, none of which contain what you went to Target to originally purchase.
16)  Start Target shopping list.
17)  BATTERIES go at the top.  With an exclamation point. ! .
18)  People Magazine goes underneath at #2.
19)  Cross out #2 and write 1a) People Magazine is of equal importance to batteries needed for life saving fire alarm.
20)  Wonder when you became so shallow.
21)  Scribble out 1a) and write back in #2.
22)  Go back to the couch to read.
23)  Chirp.
24)  Smile at dog who is now staring up at the ceiling.
25)  Laugh aloud at the book Bright Lights Big Ass.
26)  Chirp.
27)  Dog growls.
28)  Wonder if you should bump up the Target run in your busy Sunday morning schedule of doing absolutely nothing.
29)  Speaking of bumps, remember that you need to pick up a present for a friend's new baby.
30)  Add "Present for friend's new baby" to Target list.
31)  Wonder if Brangelina have had their babies.
32)  Add "US Weekly" to Target shopping list.
33)  Think of what Brangelina's new babies are going to look like.
34)  Add "Lip Plumping Gloss" to Target shopping list.
35)  Go back to reading.
36)  Chirp.
37)  Bark.
37)  Start getting annoyed.
38)  Spy new Real Simple Magazine on coffee table. 
39)  Note article that says "How to Free Up More Time."
40)  Look down at pajamas and coffee cup and wonder if you should be writing for Real Simple.
41)  Chirp.
42)  Bark!
43)  Look at clock wondering if chirps are increasing in frequency.
44)  Chirp.
45)  Wonder if the alarm is actually going off and not in need of batteries.
46)  Look around to see if there is a fire.
47)  Remember what the fire alarm actually sounds like since it goes off EVERY morning when you take your shower.
48)  Relax back into the couch.
49)  Chirp.
50)  Bark!
51)  Stomp into the kitchen and grab a broom.
52)  Stare at the fire alarm.
53)  Chirp.
54)  Shake the broom at the ceiling.
55)  Realize threatening the fire alarm from the shower has never worked and that a broom probably won't either.
56)  Curse the fact that you don't have a ladder.
57)  Curse the fact that you are single and isn't this what boyfriends are supposed to be for?
58)  Look around for something you can stand on to reach the 10 foot ceiling.
59)  Spy the pub table chairs.
60)  Chirp.
61)  Bark!
62)  Curse.
63)  Grab a pub chair.
64)  Start to climb on pub chair.
65)  Remember that you put the pub chair together yourself.
66)  Pause.
67)  Recall the last item of furniture you put together and how it always listed to the right.
68)  Remember Dan's cousin grazing said piece of furniture in the middle of the night, knocking it over and being smothered by your CD collection.
69)  Crack up, but ...
70)  Back away from the pub chair.
71)  Chirp.
72)  Bark!
73)  Cuuuuuurse.
74)  Take your chances with the pub chair.
75)  Realize once you're eye to eye with fire alarm that you have no idea what to do.
76)  Chirp.
77)  Bark!
78)  Cuuuuuuuurse!
79)  Attempt to take the battery out.
80)  Pull down the entire fire alarm.
81)  Worry you'll get electrocuted by the wires hanging from the ceiling.
82)  Shove fire alarm back into ceiling.
83)  Chirp.
84)  Bark!
85)  Cuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrsssseeee!
86)  Feel like Keanu Reeves in Speed when you take the battery out.
87)  Start to climb off pub stool.
88)  Wonder what the chances are of there being a fire in between the time you actually put a battery back in the mother fuuuu ... contraption.
89)  Determine chances of breaking pub stool are higher.
90)  Go back to the couch.
91)  Chirp.
92)  Bark!
93)  WTF?
94)  Realize the fire alarm has been possessed.
95)  And is laughing at you.
96)  Wonder if the guy who controls the elevators at work and makes them close just as you walk up to them, has hijacked your fire alarm.
97)  Chirp.
98) Bark!
99)  Currrrrsssssssssssseeeeeeeee!
100)  Wear pajama pants to Target.

P.S.  The BEST way to get out of Target for less than $20?  Wear your pajamas.  Self consciousness - 1, debit card - 0.

P.P.S.  Hello to those of you visiting from OR Blogs and thanks for making the REI post one of yesterday's favorites!  SSG has been feeling LOTS of love lately and wonders if she should remove the (Sometimes!) from her moniker.  She now realizes she has just said "hello fate!  Let me shine down this big spotlight right here so I can tempt you!"  (Sometimes!) will stay.  But she still thanks you.


Anonymous said...

So did you get the new battery and the fire alarm back up in the ceiling again without falling off the pub chair? Hope so. Thanks for another humorous post! said...

#3 on Target List:
step ladder.
Love to read about you and your crazy life!

Fabulously Broke said...


My favourite: "57) Curse the fact that you are single and isn't this what boyfriends are supposed to be for?"

Anonymous said...

A simple trip to "Wa-da-tay's Big Gay Ladder Borrowing Center and Libations Resort" would have resolved the entire problem! (except for the boyfriend thing!) Silly Girl!