Friday, May 30, 2008

Google Me Baby

I signed up for Google Analytics so I can see (read: stalk) everyone who comes my way.

Wait!  Come back!  There's no need to be afraid!   It will take me WEEKS to get around to showing up on your doorstep.  (P.S.  Lemon drops?  Had BETTER be waiting.  Chop chop.) 

But good LAWD, so far Google Analytics had caused me to go through all five stages of grief:

1)  Denial - I am strong confident woman!  My self worth does not depend on blog traffic!  I've lived 33 years without blog traffic.  I'm just fine!

2)  Anger - WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ZERO?!?!?!  And by the way fuckface, are GRAPHS showing ZERO really necessary?  Oh, wait, what's that?  MORE graphs showing zero?  Okay, now you're just mocking me.

3)  Bargaining - Um, hiiiii Analytics!  How are you today?  Sorry I yelled at you and called you a fuckface yesterday.  But do you think you can show me some love?  Someone stopped by, right?  Because if you show me another zero, I might have to curl up in the fetal position under my desk.  And we wouldn't want that, would we?  Sweetcakes?  Schnuuckums?  Fuckface?

4)  Depression - Five days and ZERO readers?!?!?  I suck SERIOUS dog balls.  I should totally, utterly and completely be working at Walmart.  Time to give up my current five year plan.  My new five year plan will entail moving from my job stocking tampons and cubic zirconias on the night shift to working the cash register on Saturday afternoons.  Booyah!  And if they have a Starbucks in the Walmart?  Maybe I could hand out croissants or write peoples' orders on the cups or something?  BECAUSE.  THAT.  IS.  THE.  ONLY.  WRITING.  I. WILL.  EVER.  DO.  AGAIN.

5)   Acceptance - Oh, what?  I installed the Analytics code wrong?  Oh hiiiiiiii everyone!  Now I can see you!  You are lovely!

The best part about Analytics is that I can also see who has Googled me.  (And um, rude. I get Googled without so much as a drink or dinner first!)

This month's favorites are as follows:

  • "Black Stripper Moves" (Yeah!!  I didn't even know I knew any, or that I was black for that matter!  If you find any good ones, which I totally understand will be difficult after seeing mine, please come back and share with the class.)
  • "What's the American word for sidewalk?"  (Wait, wait!  I'm PRETTY sure I know this one.  It's ... wait for it ...  SIDEWALK.  Right?  Maybe I should think about signing up for Jeopardy ...)
  • "Hopelessly Single" I really shouldn't concern myself with this, right?  I mean if you Google "hopelessly single" and my blog comes up it's not like looking up "future spinster" or "crazy cat lady" or "You WILL NEVER get any! So STOP trying already!" and seeing my picture, right?  Guys? Right?  Where did everybody go?

(On a more serious note (but only for a moment) THANK YOU guys for all the comment love over the last couple of days!  I am so glad you came by!  Lemon drops for everyone!)


Lys said...

The Sitemeter; Googlemeter whatever will drive you batty - promise. I look at it only once in a while and I don't want to know what drove them there because if I do, I might unleash a torrent of "WTF" but now that I think about it - might be good when I don't have something to write about for Blog365.

This post made me crack up...

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Definitely worth reading! Thanks!