The Great American Road Trip (Including Parts of Canada!) Part 5

I wish I could say that when I saw a nun standing, in full habit, in the middle of a country road at 2 a.m. that my heart felt only good, kind, helpful thoughts.  That I instantly knew all was well.  That I could be of service.  That this kind nun needed some help and thank the GOOD LAWD we happened upon her when we did.  "No sweat God, I am up to the task!  Consider me all up ON this." 

But instead?  I believe my exact words were:

"STEP ON IT DANA! LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!  IT'S NOT OUR FAULT WES STOPPED!  MUST! SAVE! OUR! SELVES!!  GOOOOOO!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?!  OH MY GOD, WE'RE GOING TO GET KILLED BY A NUN!!! WE'RE GOING TO DIE.  NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO FIND OUR BODIES!  OK, WAIT.  WE CAN SO TAKE HER, RIGHT?  THERE'S ONLY ONE OF HER AND EIGHT OF US.  WHO'S WITH ME?!"

(SSG's flight ... and apparently fight responses?  Fully in check.)

The sheer terror on all of our faces was straight out of a horror film, had we any presence of mind to get the video camera out, The Blair Witch Project would have had nothing on us.

Wes, Dan and Wayne were in the truck in front of us.  I saw the nun approach Wes.  We didn't blink or take a breath.  Wes stuck his arm out of the truck to tell her to stay where she was.  The nun was talking, pointing down the road, waving her arms.  Every single gesture reeked of "Trust me!  I'm a nun!  Let me lure you out of your vehicles so we can snack on you and your little friends for supper."  And I was not buying one minute of it.

Wes pulled his truck off the road into a small general store parking lot.  "What?!" I yelled "you mean to tell me that she just HAPPENED to be in front of this parking lot?  We're going to get ambushed!  We need to call for help.  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  I have my cell phone!"  No signal.  

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!"

I had been messing with my phone so much that I didn't see Dan and Wes getting out of the truck and walking down the road, following the nun into the darkness.

"What are they DOING?!"  

Wayne ran up to our truck and explained that the nun said she fell asleep at the wheel and ran her car off the road.  The gunshot we thought we heard was her car crashing into a tree.  Allegedly ... I was still totally NOT on board.

"Why was a NUN out at 2 in the morning?!  What, do nuns go to bars now?  She's lyyyyyyying you guys!  Are nuns even supposed to DRIVE?!"

But by that time Wayne was running at a fast clip to the pay phone at the general store.

Wes and Dan came walking back with the nun (read:  murderer) and Dan started digging around in the back on the truck.  

"See!  She must have a gun.  He's handing over all of our possessions.  Look at that he's giving her a ... chair?  Wait, what?  Is he getting the stove out?  IS HE MAKING HER TEA??"

Wes, a paramedic and in nursing school at the time, was looking the nun over while she sipped a spot of tea and Dan sauntered over to the truck.

"Hey, she's okay but she wants to go get her sister.  Can you take her to the convent?  I guess it's just up the road."

"Guys?"  Digs pointed up to the hills around us. 

Small lights were visible through the trees and they were making a rapid descent.  Pretty soon large men carrying flashlights stepped out of the forest.  We were surrounded.

To be continued ...