Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Confessions

The First

SSG decided to LOOK for good news today, because um NO OTHER NEWS SOURCES ARE.  And guess what?!  SSG found some!  Paul Krugman's blog got on Time's 25 Best Blogs List.  And SSG LOVES herself some Paul Krugman!

The guys from Freakonomics joked "What do economists have in common with garbage?  Neither gets picked up at a party."  But if SSG was at a party, she'd break her "no approaching guys first" rule and go STRAIGHT for Paul Krugman.  Check out his blog here.

The Second

The number one Google Hit SSG gets after people searching for moi, is "FBI SSG" due to this post.  I'm pretty sure guys looking for an SSG position with the FBI wonder WTF landed them on my site.  On second thought ... perhaps I should post my phone number and let them know to send their resumes to me first ... with photos.

Curious as to what SSG stands for?  So was I.  Check it out here.  (And what is UP with (Sometimes!) Serendipitous Girl not even making the list?!)

The Third

SSG is watching Martha Stewart again.  Ok she watched ONE episode of Martha Stewart yesterday.  It was a repeat where she had a ton of babies on the show and in the audience.  They were all adorable babies, but the sheer chaos and noise were about to BLOW M's head clean OFF HER BODY.  The episode ran short and a couple of ladies got to ask Big M some questions.  The poor woman looked like she was going to gouge out her producer's eyes with sheer force of mind jujitsu.  One of the guests asked "how do you get stains out of baby clothes?"  

And Martha!  Who could quite possibly write a thesis on the topic while simultaneously building a potting shed with paper clips and lint from her lint trap said wearily "Oh, I don't know, you just WASH THEM."  

And SSG fell in love with her a little bit in that moment.

The Fourth

The reason I don't really watch Martha has less to do with her bee-yotchy personality and more to do with how she SPEAKS.  It's the same reason I can't watch Ellie Krieger on the Food Network.  She's a nice enough lady, but GAH!  Word choice and cadence and pitch and al;lashfgaoiwrfhoawiefasdaaaa!!!!!!!!!  SSG just wants to tear her own nails off just thinking about it.  I mean "GOOD THINGS?!"  What kind of LAME description is that M-Babe?  And Ellie if I hear you say "gooey deliciousness" one. More. TIME.  I'm going to waltz right through my television screen and shove your pastries made with whole wheat pastry flour that NO ONE CAN EVER FIND down your throat.

The Fifth

YES, SSG is just fine.  Why do you ask?  

The Sixth

Yesterday was my first day back at work after over a week off.  I was at lunch with the boys and a new guy that just started.  I was trying to be on my best behavior but MIGHT have slipped and asked one of the guys if he put out during a "Man Date" when two of our lunch crew found themselves eating alone together last week.  

But THEN, when we were talking about the pros and cons of beef jerky, one of the guys had to go and say he had "beaver jerky."   And SSG.  Just.  About.  Lost.  It.  And try as she did to not look at her work BFF, she could see him STARING at her.  And then the two of them started laughing so hard they both were crying.  And the guy DIDN'T GET IT!  So he kept repeating himself.  "What's so funny about beaver?  I don't get it.  Beaver jerky?  Someone caught a beaver in a trap and what are you supposed to do with it but eat it?  What?!  Oh my god!  Why are you guys freaking out so bad?!"

The Seventh

Ohmahgah.  SSG can't type anymore because she is clutching her stomach.

The Eighth

No need to call the authorities.  SSG is fine.

The Ninth

Seriously.  She's sure the Lean Cuisine Lemon "Chicken" dinner was penance enough.






The Tenth.

Beaver.

10 comments:

ab said...

OMG!!! So eons ago my husband (then boyfriend) and I took this really boring astronomy class together in college. His goal in life was to make me laugh at inappropriate times (still is), so pretty much anytime during that riveting class. This one day he wrote "do you enjoy the beaver in jerky form?" on my notebook. I totally lost it and had to leave class. I totally understand the beauty of that type of humor.

Love, Fitness, Money, More said...

That was an awesome post! It's taking me a while to type this comments between hysterical bursts of laughter. Thanks for the belly laughc!!!

Living on the Spit said...

I can't stop laughing long enough to get my comment out....OMG, so funny...YOU.KILL.ME



Beaver jerky....LMAO

Molly said...

Waaaah! Funny. I have two good things to add to your list: this post and it's my last day at work this week. Whee!

belladella said...

Oh god, this so appeals to my sense of humor. Too funny!

auntiepeep said...

Ugh. Lean Cuisine meals are rough. Good on you for doing penance.

As for the new guy, what's the story? Is he single? Cute? Gross? INFJ?

Spill it.

~Auntie P

Predo said...

Hmmm, Staff Sergeant Beaver Jerky at your service! How is it that some thought to make jerky out of beaver? Sounds a little fishy to me!

Anonymous said...

Hello my adopted daughter. As you know the last few days)(^$#*&@ or whatever have been kind of tough for me. I so enjoyed this post as I needed a good laugh. I laughed so hard that I spit and snorted across my desk and not to mention that now I must go and take my bath a little earlier than normal as the old bladder ain't what it used to be:>). As the kids might say: this might be more info than you need to know, but I am the BellaMomma and can say what I want to...I have earned that right. LOL.
My tummy hurts from laughing so hard. Keep up the good work at just being you. We love ya so!!!!!

BellaMomma

auntiepeep said...

Ah, to date at work or not to date. That is the question.
Okay, this is going to be totally crass, so please forgive.
But, have you ever heard the saying "Don't shit where you eat"? Those are words to live by. In other words, I would give it a big, fat no. I have done it and it was awful. He was the bartender, I was the cocktail waitress. The setting was Las Vegas, so maybe wecwere doomed from the start. When we broke up, the tension was thick and it affected everyone.
Definitely not my finest moment. :0)

- Auntie Peep

mom x 2 said...

hahahaha Thanks for the ab workout, because that's what happens when I read your posts like this. I laugh until my stomach hurts, which is encouraging knowing I am getting excercise while blogging!