Monday, August 3, 2009

How to Have a Garage Sale

1) Acknowledge that not only have you never had a garage sale but that you've also never been to one.
2) Tell everyone you know you're participating in your neighborhood garage sale.
3) Don't listen when they tell you not to.
4) Think that the garage sale starts at 8 a.m.
5) Don't panic when you discover it really starts at 7 a.m.
6) Okay, panic a little when you look at the clock and it's already 6:45 a.m.
7) Instead of putting out your wares, SHOWER. Because you probably won't be getting dirty. Or sweaty. And people who want to pay $1.00 for a box of paperback books will probably care what you smell like.
8) Open your garage door at 7:05 a.m. Expecting to see CAR LOADS of people.
9) Look up and down the street for the car loads of people. Then start looking just for people.
10) Go back upstairs and Google to make sure you have the day right.
11) Go back downstairs and start setting up your stuff.
12) Pass a dog looking longingly at her leash.
13) Wonder if you should scrap the garage sale and instead keep everything you're selling.
14) Think otherwise when you come across a calendar from 2004.
15) Mark it at $0.50.
16) Rationalize that someone might want it for the pictures.
17) Assuming someone knows about this garage sale.
18) Perk up when you hear a car.
19) Slump over when they whiz right by.
20) Start sweeping the garage floor.
21) Perk up when you hear a motorcycle.
22) Wonder if you should be concerned he's aiming at your garage looking as though he has no intent of stopping.
23) Worry when it looks like he might run over your $10 Dirt Devil.
24) Consider hitting him with your Target broom if he comes any closer.
25) Watch as he backs his motorcycle out of your driveway after giving your stuff a once over.
27) Think that maybe he wasn't the target demographic for your $3 DVD of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.
28) Continue sweeping the garage.
29) Perk up when you see a car stop.
30) Answer yes when the lady who you think might be the lady who works at the salad bar in the lobby of your office building asks if you're having a garage sale.
31) Don't say: "No, I typically put my belongings out on my driveway with price tags every Saturday morning with no actual intent on selling them." Even though it's what you really want to.
32) Go from sweeping the garage to spray painting a chair.
33) Wonder if you should cover up the items you're selling so they don't turn "pistachio."
34) Decide against it when you realize someone else will own them soon.
35) Almost cover a customer in spray paint.
37) Collect $2.
38) Continue spray painting.
39) Sit down and make a list of everything you want to do in your house. Room by room. In detail.
40) Call your sister.
41) Leave a really long message.
42) Contemplate begging her to call you back so you don't die of boredom.
43) Look at your watch.
44) Realize you've made $2 in two hours.
45) Look at the list of desired home improvements and realize the paper you wrote them on probably cost more than $2.
46) Dump everything you're selling into a box.
47) Label it Salvation Army
48) Grab your dog and go for a walk
49) Greet your neighbors enthusiastically.
50) Buy a white pitcher for $2 and a lamp for your office for $3.
51) Realize you're probably the only person EVER who has had a net loss at her own garage sale.
52) Promise yourself that you'll never have a garage sale again.


Molly said...

So that's what I did wrong...

Bella Della said...

You lost me at #1! NEVER been to one. Sigh ;) That list is hilarious. Love it! If my neighborhood (would have to live in one) had a sale I am sure I'd end up buying more than I sold. said...

53) Advertise! Oops, maybe that should have been first. ;-)
I am sure The Salvation Army will be thrilled with your things!

I Am Woody said...

I've had one. Made $100. But it was totally not worth it and I will never do it again!!

Suz Broughton said...

Oh, I gave up at funny