Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Welcome Bachelorettes!

I am proud to say the bachelorettes listened to me! On this Monday's episode of The Bachelor we had no less than TWO women sing songs to the Bachelor and one woman, refusing to be outdone, showed how freaky her joints were by spinning her arms, hands and TONGUE around in circles. I'd say I was tongue tied, but I don't think I can use that sentiment in good conscience anymore.

So! I was so happy to be of service, I figured I'd pass along a few more pieces of advice, one of which goes directly to the Bachelor himself.

1) Drama, guys dig it.

Make sure to get really upset when the guy you, and 24 other women, are dating has the gall to talk to anyone else aside from you. Don't stand for that shit. Throw a temper tantrum, lock yourself in the bathroom and tell him how hard this is. Especially when you "shouldn't have to compete for one guy." Never mind the fact that you went on a show to compete for one guy, this is about you.

2) The only thing standing between you and the Bachelor are 24 other bitches.

Falling in love can be scary ladies! Especially when you've traversed a video application, ABC personality test, grueling workouts and nerves about meeting your potential Mr. Right. And now you have to deal with 24 other bitches? These ladies have nothin' on you when you follow three simple steps. 1) Give them nasty looks any time they talk to your man. 2) Call into question their true intentions--Are they actors? Young? Gold diggers? It's important you let them know that you're onto them by spreading their real motives around the house. 3) Let the Bachelor know about all the bickering in the house and that you have NO part in it. Do it in code with a lot of nodding, pursed lips and lack of willingness to give up names. He'll get the message and if he doesn't, go ahead and throw a few names at him ... first and last, we wouldn't want there to be any confusion.

3) There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

After meeting a guy for five minutes, a lot of feelings are going to come bubbling to the surface. These feelings mean that he's the ONE. They can be scary. The only way to let those feelings out and fear them less, is to go ahead and just cry and get it all off your chest. Even better if you can cry in front of the Bachelor. If you're worried he doesn't comprehend the level of courage a journey like this takes, let him know how long you've been protecting your heart but that you're finally ready to give it to him. Even better if you can express your feelings in song.

And one final note to the Bachelor.

Good for you to let those ladies open up their own doors and enter rooms behind you! You already know how they feel about you. Who needs to impress them? Save your chivalry, there may not be enough to go around. After all, efficiency in dating is completely under appreciated.