Wednesday, March 19, 2008

How to Get a Guy - Bachelor Style

When I was younger, I'd play a game with my friends every summer. We'd huddle up on the side of the pool, concoct some crazy story about a monster living in the drain at the bottom (double dare points if it happened to be a black bottom pool) and one by one we'd send each other in to face our imagined fear alone. I remember diving into the cold water by myself, squeals of my friends now muffled above and being petrified of something that I knowingly created. I couldn't not touch the bottom though, dignity was above all else what little you had as an eight year old. So I'd force myself to swim to the bottom and touch the drain, wondering all the while if there really was a monster hiding in there just waiting to bite my hand off. I'd swim so hard and fast to the surface, pulling myself to safety and flopping onto the warm, sun drenched pavement breathing heavily. Once again I had survived. After everyone had taken a turn, we'd stand, arms linked and look at each other for a few moments before someone inevitably whispered "let's do it again." This is the same feeling I get when I watch the Bachelor.

I have watched The Bachelor since day ONE. I love how one program can simultaneously push feminism back 20 years and yet show us how far we've come in the exact same hour. The Bachelor is a monster of our own creation and yet we dive in each season because THIS is the most dramatic season in Bachelor history! By now everyone knows there is no fairy tale ending, that every rose ceremony will be dramatic (!) and that someone will inevitably either get carted off in an ambulance, have their heart broken or get so hammered that they'll pass out on camera. If you're lucky, the same person will do all three in the same show. But I'm telling you, I have to do it. The embarassment, the agony, the drama (!) I watch it with my eyes half closed and by the end, I fall backwards on my couch happy once again that I survived.

As such, I feel it's important for me to pass along all of the wisdom I have garnered throughout the years. These little tidbits come from Monday's episode. And here it is ...

How to Get a Guy - Bachelor Style

1) Don't be afraid to flaunt your smarts.

Say things like: "I have a bachelor's degree in nutrition. I want to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something no one has thought of."

2) Show a guy your talent.

Make sure to bring a musical instrument the first time you meet a guy. Even better? Write a song for him. Yeah, yeah! Bring your guitar and sing an out of tune song about how you're the only one for him ... he's the only one for you? It doesn't matter, you're WAY better than the girl who broke out her clarinet. You know that look the Bachelor had? The one where his smile looked like it had been Botoxed there? That means he TOTALLY digs you.

3) Don't underestimate the power of senior citizens.

When the Bachelor says he likes to be mellow sometimes, agree with him by telling him about your "grandma side." Clarify it for him further by telling him how much you like to play board games and sew. Guys love their grandmas!

4) But no granny panties!

Guys may love their grandmas, but not their grande skivs. If you worry the Bachelor doesn't know what kind of underwear you wear, just go ahead and take them off and put them in his non existent suit pocket. Make sure to do it when he's talking to another girl so she can check out your panties too.

5) Don't be afraid to brag!

Don't be outdone, make sure the Bachelor knows you're a winner! Just throw it out there! Don't be shy about being an "Arm Wrestling Champion" or "A Rock Paper Scissors Champion." A guy who played sports at Oxford will SO dig that about you!

6) Don't be afraid to be real.

Break out the white girl ghetto '90's slang, girlfriend! Say things like "all that and a bag of chips" after you BITE a piece out of a tin can or start dancing because sometimes a girl just "has to bust a move." You go!

Here's to a new season of red roses, drama, struggles of what or who to do. Week after week I'll be watching until the final terrifying end when it will all be over in a marriage/non marriage proposal, teary limo ride and a slew of morning talkshow appearances followed up a few weeks later with an article announcing the couples' breakup in US Weekly. At the end of it all, I'll clasp my hands together, take a deep breath and whisper. "Let's do it again."