Thursday, March 6, 2008

Are Strippers the New Black?

Strippers are everywhere these days. Diablo Cody just won an Oscar for Best Screenplay, David Hernandez sings instead of strips on American Idol. It's enough to make a girl wonder if these folks might be onto something? I decided to put my investigative "skills" to work and went to Target and bought the Carmen Electra Cardio Strip DVD.

I popped that baby in the DVD player and waited to see what all the fuss was about. I watched half fascinated and half mortified. It's not Carmen, of course, she's beautiful but it was kind of the whole vibe. Allow me to explain. Carmen and her back up strippers were dressed in short '80's Dolphin-esque shorts, with tube socks. Let's pause here for a moment.

My DAD wore a similar ensemble in the 80's, okay? The shorts might have been O.P. corduroy and not Dolphins, but the tube socks? Very much in effect--he had a tan from his knee to his mid thigh. So that was thought number one when I watched the cardio strip DVD--not really the kind of thing you want to think about when contemplating a sexy dance number you could bust out at a moment's notice and not at all what I think Carmen intended.

Disturbing thought number two--the ladies also wore their hair in pigtails, the likes of which I had in third grade. Third grade was when I wore a purple Izod polo shirt and my mom tied matching ribbons in my hair. I certainly don't feel sexy in pigtails and I definitely wouldn't want any guy to find me sexy when I was nine. This whole stripping thing was getting very uncomfortable. There was also the requisite ass smacking, fingers being bitten and hair flipping, but I made it through in the name of research--I'm a pioneer. That was, until afterward when an even more disturbing thought occurred to me.

What if a lot of other ladies in Portland had my very same idea? And what if said ladies had performed similar moves to the single men of Portland? And what if said single men of Portland remembered? All of a sudden I got this image of my future self feeling fun and sassy and doing a little number for my boyfriend when mid hair toss he thinks to himself "wow, (insert random girl's name here) did this same routine for me once." Within three seconds, the Carmen Electra Cardio Strip DVD was put away, never to see the light of day again.

I confessed this to Digs and she promptly decided to take a survey ... of her friends (who I know most of!) ... over SUNDAY BRUNCH! Mortified, I haven't shown my face around them since. Are you sure there weren't any priests around, Digs? Enjoying their eggs benedict after their stressful sermon? Perhaps they were the ones who stepped away from the table to put a direct call in to god to have him/her ban me from heaven?

The brunch table of course found the whole story hilarious and spent the rest of the afternoon catcalling each other whenever someone accidentally dropped something or did a stripper moves as they stood up from their chairs. The next birthday that rolled around in the SF group, the birthday girl was given Carmen's Cardio Strip DVD and a pair of platform, clear stripper heels. "Ooh, did she like them?" I asked Digs. "I don't know, come to think of it I haven't seen her in awhile," she repsonded followed by "maybe that's a good sign."

Fads may come and go, but I'm happy to say that my "research" did help someone in the bedroom, even if it wasn't mine.