Sunday, March 30, 2008

Love & Baseball Part Two

Her name was Danica. She lived on the 10th floor. As much as I wanted to hate her, I couldn't--I imagine she had less of an idea about me than I had about her. And as much as I wanted to hate Jon, I couldn't. Instead, I handled it the only way I knew how. I didn't say a word to him.

Jon had seen Spleen and Digs. They passed each other in the parking lot the night I called them into my room--he was holding Danica's hand. Spleen and Digs prepared themselves, knowing that soon they'd have to hold mine too. I know he expected confrontation, but I refused to, and also couldn't, give it to him. I loved who I was when we were together--I could tell he listened to what I said, he got my sense of humor and we could keep up a witty banter for hours. When he looked back, that was the girl I wanted him to remember. But that wasn't the girl I was.

You know that part in 16 Candles when Samantha's dad explains to her "That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else." 16 Candles toned it down, crushes fucking suck. My little 19 year old heart was shattered. I was left with so many questions--Why didn't we just stay friends? Why didn't he tell me himself? Did I misread our friendship? Did I misread the fun we were having? I knew that there was no answer he could give me that would make it all better, so I dealt with it on my own.

He misread my silence as anger and I'm not going to lie, there was anger there. But the silence came from being unable to speak. If ever I saw him my heart would jump into my throat, my stomach would hit my knees and I just wanted to roll the clock back to a time when we were friends and I had no idea how good it felt to have his arms wrapped around my waist and feel his breath on my neck.

Eventually, enough time passed and the sting wasn't as raw. My heart was semi-pieced together and I was back to the frat parties and flirting with new friends of old dormmates. Toward the end of the year, my phone rang. "Hello?" I answered.

Jon said quietly "can I come up?"

To be continued ...