Fear Factor?

Every couple of weeks SSG begins a discussion at work around the following question:  "If you had to be on a reality show, what one would you be on and why?"

The best part is that no one has figured out that SSG hasn't answered this question.  

Because she has no idea of what her answer would be.  

But she can GUARANTEE you it won't be The Bachelor.

Not because of what happened this week.  Not because SHOCKINGLY the engagements don't turn into real life marriages ... except for you Trista and Ryan.  Even though Trista, you had the WORST WEDDING HAIR EVER.  

Sorry.  

I like your hair now though.  

And congratulations on the new baby.  

And your supAH HAWT fireman hubby!  WELL DONE on that guy.  Despite his flagrant abuse of the poetic license.  Hello, Shamu anyone?  Even the orca was cringing. 

Wait, where was I again?

Oh yeah.  

No, SSG wouldn't go on The Bachelor because OHMAHGAH the awkwardness of getting to know each other on those first "dates" being forever emblazoned on film is to SSG like ... well, please just go ahead and pass me the bowl full of African Dung Beetle larvae and I'll knock that back before climbing into a grave full of hungry rats for however many minutes I need to before hopping on top of a car that's about to catch fire 200 feet in the air and tightrope walk while tying a cherry stem with my tongue or whatever else you have to do to win on Fear Factor.

Oh how I don't look forward to the: "Is he going to open my door, uh oh awkward silence, um do you like this outfit because I feel kind of like a hooker/pirate but the lady at Nordstrom thought it was feminine, ohmahgah which is less likely to hang out in my teeth the spinach in the salmon florentine or the parsley in the lamb with chimichuri sauce, and oh yes you probably want to go ahead and TALK to your date instead of LISTENING to the CRAZY in your head all night."

Ultimately when I think about this awkwardness, it all surrounds the potential of situations ...  Do you like me?  Do I like you?  Is there something here?  And the harsh reality that there are going to be a lot of times "no" is the only appropriate answer.

And frankly this alone has been a major issue for SSG.  And I thought that I'd write about that quite a bit this week.  About rejection and getting back on the barstool and there are other vodkas in the lemon drop or however those old adages go.  But I've been surprised I haven't.

It all seems so much less ... scary.

After sitting in the stillness of raw fear and pain so deep I thought I'd rather break instead of feeling it for one more second.  I didn't run away.  As I have walked slowly back through tragedy, taking the time to look and make peace with my life through all of its stages, I have emerged stronger.  Fully aware of who I am and unafraid to have someone (eventually!) know my whole story ... unless GAH future boyfriend if you've been reading this whole time ... 

(Please excuse SSG as she hyperventilates.)

But I can honestly say ... and I'm just as shocked as you.  That I'm looking forward to those moments of smiling a bit too much at each other, awkward transitions, butterflies and the sidelong glances when we think the other person isn't looking.  

The film reel of falling in love.  When you're not even aware it's happening.

When did reality get so good?