Thursday, December 18, 2008

How to Have an SSG Day

1)  Slip down three hills to catch a bus that will get you to work 2 1/2 hours later than you normally get there.

2)  Note how progressive the Portland buses are.  They have Poetry!  In Motion!  Like this one:

Dogwood Tree
Yellow Sun Shining

(SSG:  How nice!)

Skinny brown
lifeless dogwood 

(SSG:  Oh!)

Never grew an inch
Never liked the sun

(SSG:  Um?)

Ashes of my dog

(SSG:  Does anyone have some Prozac?)

3)  Go with your work BFF to get some coffee because he has been stuck with the "Snarkless Duo" for the last 3 days.  (Who NEVER has anything mean to say EVER?  Teh crazies, that's who.  As Rhiannon from Rhi in Pink says, "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me."  Amen.)

4)  Ask your favorite former intern if it's weird that you saw the random "work couple" who work in a different department (they do EVERYTHING but go to the bathroom together despite being married to other people) went shopping at Ross together.  

5)  Realize you have nothing to say when he replies "you came with me to look for snowboarding jackets.  I'm standing out here waiting with you to get your lunch even though I have mine already.  But dude, if 20 years from now we're in the same place?  Kill me."

6)  Have the following elementary school conversation:
 "Does that mean you're not going to be my BFF in 20 years?"  
"No I AM, I just mean if we're still working here in 20 years, kill me."  
"Awwww!  That's so sweet!  And ok." 
(Former intern rolls his eyes.)

7)  Leave work at 3:45 p.m. Catch a train and then a bus.

8)  Spy 3 hand tattoos "NIN", "HIT" and "100% Real."  Resist the urge to say to the 300 pound black guy with dreads either "Awwwww yeah" or "Is that quote '100% Real' by J. Lo?"  

9)  Have "100% Real" take your picture not so smoothly with his I Phone.  Wonder if there is anything porn related that can be done with only half your face showing due to a hat, scarf and jacket collar pulled up around your ears.  And if so, hope that no one recognizes your eyes and nose ... or that you get some royalties.

10)  Get a very kind offer (with a very specific compliment on one of your posts no less!) to write for an "adult" website.  

11)  Wonder what content you've EVER written here that would give a marketing guy for an adult website the idea that that may interest you (Lys don't you dare bring up the panty throwing comment, your friend is in a band!  Panties get thrown, it's what happens at concerts.)

12)  Remember today that you thought two funny things to write on your blog would be "the bus had chains on its tires and the vibration as it was driving down the road almost gave me an O" and that Predo sent you a text message in the middle of your work day that said: "Say penis really loud right now!  PENIS!  I want PENIS!"  

13)  Wonder if you still have that adult website guy's e-mail address.

14)  And if Predo would want it.

15)  Get home at 6 P.M.  Only 2 hours after you left work.

16)  Realize as you're slipping across the street that THIS will be the moment you meet "Cute Neighbor." 

17)  Put your head down and walk faster.

18)  See a package from Frita of My Myriad Life and forget about "Cute Neighbor."

19)  Get Fisher all riled up by saying over and over again: "What is it?!  What is it?!  What is it?!"

20)  Call Frita and Bob and say "THANK YOU! THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!"

21)  Notice the saying on the Stride Rite box your goodies were sent in.

22)  Revise the box's quote for a 34 year old instead of a 3 or 4 year old:  Couch's Waiting.  Get Wine.

23)  Sit.

24)  Pour.

25)  Sip.


Unknown said...

I absolutely have nothing I can say because I am cleaning up the coffee that came spewing out of my mouth from laughing so hard while reading yout are friggin halarious. Thank you for starting my day off so well. Hurry back home with more great stories to tell me, please!

I rode the city bus to and from work for over a year and they should really consider a reality series revolving around it. It is an eye opening experience.


Predo said...

"Big O"? Oh My! That would explain the bus pass!!!!

I love the package! It looks soooo cute! Speaking of package, did you yell "Penis" at work? I bet quiet guy fell over!

Good luck with today's weather and stay safe my lovely one!

Anonymous said...

I LURVE the gift you received! Too Sweet! (or Tout de suite, your pick)
We're in for more of the same, according to the Portland meteorologists. But, their predictions have been a bit sketchy and unreliable, so you neva know. We could be cruising before you know it. Let's hope so, I can't handle this weather. And neither can my wardrobe. My outfit today consists of a LBD and snow boots, for the love of Pete!

~Auntie Peep

Anonymous said...

So, when are you getting YOUR hand tattoo?? You'll need one if you want to fit in with the other bus riders. Just sayin'.

And why, exactly, did "100% Real" feel it was necessary to take your photo???

Bella Della said...

Oh my god you are so funny. But I promise I am laughing with you and not at you :)

Rhi said...

I don't trust people who only have nice things to say.

Also, I think its wise that we all stock up on wine. I think we're in for it this weekend.

Molly said...

I must confess I have never routinely taken public transportation. Who knew there was so much material. But only you can make it so LOL funny!

Cool Breeze said...

That reminds me ... I have been contemplating getting a bus for all my friends ... no question now.

Bob said...

Wow, what a crazy day, Bob!! Glad you made it home safe - and you set a new record! :)

Finally got my blog set up. Here's the link:

See ya!

Lys said...

I'm DYING of laughter over here.. oh my god - dying, I say, dying. Don't worry - no links were forwarded *LOL*